Remember how I said yesterday that diabetes has become a part of everyday life and I try not to let it get to me? Well, that was yesterday. Today, it got to me.
I was parent helper at Kade’s preschool this morning and as the children were finishing snack, I noticed that I was feeling pleasantly drunk. Given that it was 11:00 in the morning and I was surrounded by 4 and 5 year olds, I figured that the fuzzy, tingly happiness was less due to grandpa’s cough medicine and more due to my plummeting blood sugar. I slipped away to check and was startled at the 37 staring back at me. I wasn’t just low, I was approaching the “any lower and she’s going to pass out and horrify a room full of children” low. My shaking hands managed to pour a cup of juice and I plopped on the floor to treat and regain composure. Kade’s teacher was very concerned, but I didn’t want to draw attention to the situation and myself so I told her that I’d be fine in a few minutes (which thankfully I was). I then decided to down half a pop-tart (yeah, I brought pop-tarts as a snack…but they were the organic kind from Costco so don’t give me any grief) just to make certain that I would stay in the safe blood sugar range. As I’m standing by the sink, shoving the food into my mouth so I can get back to helping the class, I look over and see moms from the class across the hall staring at me as they wait to pick up their children. I must have looked so sad to them, hovering over the sink, devouring my food like some ravenous beast. I wanted to run out in the hall and tell them that I have diabetes, that normally I have to avoid sugary snacks, but on this occasion I needed the sugar to survive, that I was precariously close to unconsciousness just a few moments before and that I was desperate to feed my body’s demands with the only food I could find…pop-tarts. They had witnessed my desperation and I knew that trying to explain what they saw would only make me look more desperate, so I popped the last of the pop-tart in my mouth and smiled out the window.
I stopped wearing my sensors so my belly could take a break from the scar tissue and my psyche could take a break from the pain of inserting that ridiculously large needle. I guess it’s time to suck it up, stick it in, and take the necessary measures to avoid passing out in public and looking like some starving freak in front of the other preschool moms. Rumor has it that Medtronic is working on a single insertion set that will have the cannula and sensor in one unit. Now that’s something I’d like for Christmas…
I haven’t posted anything diabetes related in awhile. It’s not because things have been in perfect control…far from it. Being diabetic has slowly become just a part of who I am. Waking up to a 300 blood sugar or dropping to 45 after lunch, used to send me reeling into a panic that always left me feeling frustrated, angry and exhausted. Now I simply bolus or treat and move on with my day. I’ve learned how to live with diabetes. Sure, a 280-blood-sugar-induced-migraine will still stop me in my tracks, cause me to yell at the kids, and make me curse the hand I’ve been dealt, but now I know that once the insulin starts working, the sugars come down, and the headache subsides, I will be fine. I make a conscious effort to not let it piss me off…thereby ruining the entire day or night or moment. As much as I wish I could change it, I can’t.
I do start to feel sorry for myself when I think about all of the things I can’t do because I’m diabetic. Like dating a vampire for example, how do you think he’d handle the blood-letting that goes on every time I check my sugar? I guess being married prohibits me from dating anyone at all, which would include vampires, so it’s really a moot point (that and the small fact that they don’t really exist).
My friends are pressuring me to join them in the world of social networking, but my blog and the preschool website are difficult enough to keep updated that I’m not sure I can take on another task. I have a profile, but I have never elaborated on it, or sought out friends, or accepted friends, or had any desire whatsoever to use it. It’s just there and I leave it alone. After realizing that the entire city of Cleveland knows each other by 3 degrees of separation or less, I am intrigued enough to think about actually using it. We’ll see…
I spent $30 at the Dollar Store today, which translates into 3 bags full of crap that I really don’t need, but because they were only a dollar I just couldn’t pass them up. I’m such a sucker. In all honesty, I did score some good deals on wrapping paper and gift tags, but the number of stamps I’ve bought for Liv’s stocking is getting out of hand (the girl loves to stamp, but does she really love it this much).
I should be dusting right now, but I’m starting to feel stressed so I need to pause and let it pass. Kyle’s parents are coming into town tomorrow so we can go to our friend’s holiday party (I am in a desperate search for something black and white to wear in keeping with the theme of the party). The toilet needs scrubbing, the floors need sweeping, the itty-bitty fingerprints need removing, but I can’t seem to gain the momentum to do any of it.
I hit Zagara’s up for their can’t be beat “5 meats for $19.99″ deal and managed to slip 2 bottles of red wine into the cart, which is making the tasks seem more doable and the kid’s bed time seem even sweeter (it’s also making my mouth water at the thought of our fried egg and bacon topped burger dinner).
Oh hell…it IS the holidays. A little dust never hurt anyone…right?
I know…it’s been awhile. You’d think I would have used this time to get ready for the upcoming holidays. I did manage to get the house decorated and fill the basement with gifts for the kids, but I’ve fallen prey to a false sense of completion that is going to bite me in the ass in 15 days. I haven’t bought a single non-Santa gift or started a single craft or baked a single goodie or dressed the kids, loaded them up, pleaded, bribed, begged and cried in order to get a holiday photo taken before the holidays have come and gone. I’m not stressing though. I’ve decided that if it gets done I’ll be happy, and if it doesn’t, we’ll manage anyway. In these times of anxiety and economic uncertainty, the cliche of “just being together” couldn’t ring more true. I don’t need anything, my family doesn’t need anything, and my kids most certainly don’t need any more material goods. Getting together, eating yummy food, toasting having made it another year, being reminded that family and friends transcend the hustle and bustle, gift-wrapping, credit-card-swiping commercialism…that is what the holiday season is all about. I look at my happy, healthy children, my cozy, warm home, my beautiful tree, nativity scene and menorah, and I’m at peace. (No…I did not drink a glass of scotch wine before writing this post. I’m seriously not going to stress out this year. Unlike me, I know…but I really mean it.)
The Twilight movie was kind of disappointing (okay, it was very disappointing). I kept forgetting that this book was meant for teens, which meant the movie would be too. Don’t get me wrong, every time Edward graced the screen, my heart skipped a beat. Reading the books gave me the freedom to picture him as someone older, less illegal, but seeing him portrayed onscreen sent the “this is a 17-year-old boy and you are a 29-year-old mother of two” message home. That and realizing I was one of the oldest people in the theater who wasn’t accompanying her teenage daughter were enough to make me hang my head in shame.
The intended audience of hormonally-charged teenagers probably loved it, and I’ll admit that the Edward/Bella scenes pulled me in, but it was a film that non-Twilight readers would have a difficult time following. It was too hard to get past the flour-dusted representation of Carlisle and the 20-something girl in my aisle wearing a “Team Edward” t-shirt to really take any of it seriously.
I’ve moved on to more age-appropriate fantasies. Vampire Bill (who is a respectable 30) has caused me to order HBO and put even more books on hold at the library. The best part is that Kyle actually likes the series and will watch TrueBlood onDemand with me (I refuse to believe that it’s because of all the naked boobs).
I’m inserting a chessy, you-tube video montage now…sorry. I just cannot get enough of this show.
I have a million and one emails to write but there’s something wrong with my account so they’ll have to wait yet another day. Instead, I have a confession to make…
I am a seventeen year old girl stuck in a stay at home mama’s body. I have read all four books in the “Twilight” series, I just bought tickets to next Friday’s premiere of the Twilight movie (I have watched the trailer about 20 times, and it makes me so excited that I could pee myself), and I can’t stop fantasizing about the hot vampire lurking outside my bedroom window. It’s beginning to get out of hand…
On Saturday, I ran through the Cleveland Clinic Lyndhurst campus (my little green escape) and ran back to the Bolton house, which is exactly what I imagine the Cullen house to look like. It’s tucked back in the woods, stately, white and unfortunately void of the supernatural. I can dream all I want, but given my luck, my vampire lover would be on a binge from his vegetarian diet, skip the make-out session and decide to take a drink instead.
And there is no way I’m going to start watching this. The whole “vampire sex” thing is taking over my brain. If this obsession gets any worse, Kyle’s going to find a set of Kade’s toy fangs on his pillow and he really dislikes role play…
Kade has finally calmed down and is quietly drawing pictures of outer space so I have a minute to vent. Sometimes I just don’t have what it takes to be a calm, patient, level-headed mama. Sometimes I am dangerously close to losing it. Today it very nearly happened.
All morning I was battling a massive headache that made me wince in pain just from being in the sunlight. I trudged through my morning errands with no ibuprofen, a whiny toddler, and continuous throbbing between my eyes. It was fun.
Liv and I went to pick Kade up and the children were outside on the playground. I sat in the car for a moment, waiting for the kids to line up and come over to where their backpacks were laying. Liv was flipping out over being stuck in the car and kept telling me “don’t have a headache, mama. let’s go.” I guess my constant bitching all morning didn’t go unnoticed.
We walked up to where the kids were and Kade started to run towards us. His teacher and I both told him to go back in line until he was dismissed. Well, in typical Kade fashion, he got the pouty face, crossed his arms, sat down and began wailing. I did something that I pretty much never do. I totally ignored him. I calmly said “we are leaving Kade,” turned around with Liv, and started walking to the car. Needless to say, he was behind me within seconds and just kept turning up the volume on his screaming. I said nothing to him. When he decided to run around the car, I got in and buckled up. He kept screaming but decided to get inside and buckle himself up. The screaming didn’t stop in the car and it didn’t stop at home. By this point, someone hitting my forehead with a hammer would have been a nice break from what I was currently experiencing. I also was well aware that my sugar was dangerously low and I needed to eat. I was trying to enforce a time-out though and there isn’t a lock on Kade’s door so I have to stand in the hallway holding it shut. He’s screaming and kicking the door and I’m standing in the hallway hoping I don’t fall over before his 4 minutes are up. Thankfully, I got him calmed down, drank some juice and got lunch on the table before I spontaneously combusted.
Even though I miraculously kept my cool, I was completely falling apart inside. I knew that if I had let even the slightest bit of what was boiling up inside me out, I would have regretted it and the cherry-red bottom that Kade would have been sporting. I guess that’s the difference between mama’s and their children. Mama’s have the ability to reign it all in, to scream with our mouths closed, to tantrum silently. It’s a very useful skill. I really hope that Kade learns it soon…
Standing in line at 6:15 in the morning, waiting nearly an hour to cast my vote, seeing neighbors and friends who showed up even earlier than I did, coming home to read blog posts like this one, sensing the shift, realizing that this is history…that I am a part of it, has made me very proud to be an American. I heard someone behind me in line say that he didn’t care how long the lines were, he “would wait all day if he had to.” You could feel the energy, see the excitement, witness the democracy. I was moved. Today, I saw change in action. No matter the outcome, the people have spoken. I just hope that someone finally listens.
It’s finally here…the day we’ve been waiting for all year, Halloween. To tell you the truth, it’s been rather anti-climatic. After our afternoon of trick-or-treating on Sunday, our night of pumpkin carving on Tuesday, our dorm-room candy crawl on Wednesday, Liv’s school party on Thursday, and our morning of Halloween festivities at the Children’s Museum today, we are pretty much Halloweened-out…at least I am.
The amount of candy that is seductively displayed in my kitchen is beyond obscene. The Snickers and Reese’s cups are whispering sweet nothings to me every time I walk by. Willpower is not one of my strong suits. I can put down chocolate like nobody’s business. Miniature candy bars are like bubble baths, red wine, afternoon naps, and sex. They can make your heart sing.
Half of Kade’s class is ill so they postponed his Halloween party until Monday, which means we have at least 3 more days of this. And in true Kade fashion, he was talking to us at breakfast about what he’s going to dress up as next year…a ghost. He will continue to talk about his costume for the next 365 days…let the countdown begin.
Total Workouts: 158 Total Distance: 1067.86 miles Total Time: 164.15 hrs Total Calories Burned: 42186
Power Song: I Don't Feel Like Dancin' - Scissor Sisters
What I'm Doing...
@HeidiHVT Good luck! I have my mileage goal for the year, but still need 20 "nano" miles before it actually counts. so I'm counting down too 2008-11-09
