I need to vent. I am ready to unravel. Kade is testing every aspect of my already shaky patience. He is such a demanding and intense child. I don’t mean to complain because I count my blessings that he is such a healthy, secure, and beautiful toddler – but he is making me NUTS, and I know why. He has been with me 24/7 since the day he was born, and due to our lack of family in Cleveland, he has never been with a babysitter either. Therefore, we have developed quite a bond and Kade absolutely must have Mama around for everything. There are days when I wish we had gotten pregnant a year ago so at least he could have someone to play with now. He just always needs an audience and that audience is predominately me. I usually don’t mind, but dealing with him while being pregnant has caused me to have constant backaches, hip pain, and headaches. I am just completely exhausted by the end of the day and I can’t wait till the clock hits 8 and it is his bedtime. It makes me so afraid of what is to come and I worry about whether or not I can handle 2 children. I just have to remember that a healthy mom equals a happy baby, and I won’t be any use to anyone if I don’t start to step back and decompress for a minute.

This brings me to the second half of this post, Kyle. I love my husband more than I ever thought possible. In fact, we’ve been together 9 years as of yesterday. Sometimes, though, I don’t think he realizes what a monotonous life I lead. I know I chose to stay home, and I would never change that, but I would like a little understanding and gratitude for what I do day in and day out. I am so proud of all Kyle has accomplished and the amazing work that he does blows me away. I also am ever grateful that I can stay home because he works his ass off to provide for us. As I write this I am beginning to realize that all of this is internal guilt over not working and not contributing to our household income, but I’ll keep going anyway. I just feel like an ugly, fat pregnant lady. He tells me he hates when I wear sweats, but that is the only clothing that will withstand what I do all day, and let’s face it – they are sooo comfortable. I also feel guilty about not being more amorous, but I honestly have no energy by the end of the night. We need to reconnect, and I need to relax so June can’t come soon enough (we are going to his brother’s wedding in Punta Cana). I just kick myself for buying him a massage for Christmas because I could really use one right about now.