I read through my old blog posts last week, in search of what’s been making me unravel lately. I was a crying mess as I remembered the woman I used to be, and realized that I was mourning my life before diabetes.
The past two years has strained me. I think I was hiding behind running, telling myself that the endless miles I was putting in were keeping me healthy. My a1c has never dropped below 7%, so the running isn’t enough and to put it bluntly…I’m far from healthy. I spend a few hours of every day with pounding headaches and my mood is so unstable that I wonder if my children are scared of me because they never know what to expect. I know that Kyle never knows what’s going to greet him when he walks through the door, and I’m willing to bet there are days that he’d just rather not come home.
It’s so frustrating. My blood sugars are either one of two extremes…very high or very low, and the nice “all is well” in-between is almost non-existent. I tell myself that my fluctuating numbers are expected when trying to juggle a household with two children under the age of 5. Seriously…I barely have time to shower everyday…how can I possibly keep a log of my blood sugars? The excuses aren’t cutting it anymore.
I used this weekend to try to figure some things out. I talked to Kyle, I talked to a very good friend, and I played with some of my usual diabetic routine stuff. Thankfully, the numbers are balancing out since I’ve started putting my infusion set on my lower back area (I think I’ve developed too much scar tissue on my stomach and just ran out of room). My friend gave me some wonderful advice about how to focus on what’s really important, and Kyle…well he reminded me why he does come home every night and why he always will.
Diabetes is a systemic disease. When my numbers are off, everything about me is affected. The problem is that it not only affects me…it affects everyone around me and that is so hard to come to terms with. I recently met a woman who is the adult child of a type-1 diabetic. She grew up with a mother who never controlled her diabetes, who kept her numbers so low that she would have episodes of unconsciousness on a regular basis. She still lives in fear every day that she will receive a call that her mother has hurt herself or someone else during a hypoglycemic episode. She told me that the best thing I can do for my children is to get control of my diabetes.
What a wake-up call…
7 Comments
Have a hug… :) The ‘forever’ part of both of our stories (so different, yet somehow sharing a common denomenator) is the hardest part! I don’t have any great advice, but taking some time to think about just YOU is a good start. I’m so glad you & Kyle had your weekend (even if you did try to kill yourself in the driveway! lol) — kudos to parents making time for parents…
I think anything’s harder to get used to the older we are… However, humans do have an amazing ability to get used to anything and adapt to it. And you will, I’m sure.
Think of it like your long runs. While you pay attention at all times during your long run, you know not to worry too much about any 400 meter stretch because it’s just one small piece of the whole run.
Your love and concern for your children is the most important thing, and it will shine through the darkness.
I had some difficult times raising my children, with much less help from the available information and medical technology. But they have grown into healthy, loving, responsible adults.
I wish I could have done better, but I did the best I could. That’s all any parent can say. That probably won’t relieve your anxiety.
Do what you can. Get a CGMS if you don’t have one already.
Shed a couple tears for you. Sending you good vibes now.
This was a great post to read … as I spent my morning wallowing in my diabetes-FREE life as a mother … it gave me perspective, Erika. Thanks for that.
I agree with the anon. poster … it is good to shed some tears and give yourself some time to grieve your pre-diabetes life.
And then, it’s time to do just what you did this weekend, pull it up by the bootstraps and keep that goal of “getting it under control” always in your peripheral.
Erika - I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles. I can’t imagine how hard it is to try to gain some control over today while still feeling the loss of your life before diabetes all while being a mom and wife and so many other things to other people.
I whole-heartily beleive that “the best thing I can do for my children is be a happy mom” but getting to that point can be so hard sometimes when you are pulled in every direction. I’m glad you got some down time this weekend and hope you are starting to find your balance and your focus again.
I don’t really have words of advice, since I’m not a mom, nor a diabetic, but just want you to know I’m pulling for you and thinking of you.
Wow…I cannot thank you all enough for your support, kind words, encouragement, and advice.
I know that we all face struggles in our life. I know the silent struggles that many of you face daily (and it makes me feel like an idiot for whining about diabetes). This blog and the connections I have made because of it have given me a voice and a means to work through it. Celebrating the small victories and focusing on making this day…the one I’m experiencing right now…count, helps me keep my head above water. Thank you, thank you, thank you!